Christmas

I was trying to think of a cute little poem to write on this Christmas Eve night but nothing comes to mind except how much you are missed. Jason is asleep on the couch with Maggie, who is not yet asleep but we are hopeful it will be soon. I cannot express how much I miss talking to you about my shopping galore and how you would be thankful you did not have to shop in the mall this year. How you hated the mall, even before you were in a wheelchair. That was one of the things we shared alike, we hated going shopping at the mall. Best invention ever was online shopping. Our bank accounts hated it but we loved it. You taught me so much over the years on how to Christmas shop, go slow, and spread it out. Do a little at a time was your motto. That way you could shop longer and get more stuff. I have not talked to Sophie but Scott has assured me she is doing fine and having a good Christmas. I miss you, my Jenny. Our talks, our giggles, our complaining, it was worth every minute of our friendship. I have cried this Christmas, but not over Christmas itself, but of course over missing you. I thought it would get easier without you and that I would get use to not talking to you everyday, but it is not...yet. Thankfully, I have my sister that calls almost every morning. My phone is not so silent without you. If one good thing has come of your passing, it would be that I have become closer to my sister. She has been so helpful in my healing. But I miss you so very much. When it is my time to come to meet Jesus (btw, I officially hate 'Christmas Shoes' song) I will be running to you! Be ready! I love you! I miss you!

The Holidays....

It's December, your favorite month, my least favorite. As time goes by, I am finding it harder and harder with Facebook reminders that you are gone and I am in South Carolina. I see all the friends and love ones being able to visit your grave, help Scott with Sophie and celebrate the holiday season in Salem. For the first time in 10 years, I wish I was back. I know it would not be healthy for me to live there, but there are things I miss and want to do. Mostly, I just want to hear your voice and laughter. I love you! I miss you!

30 days

It has been a long month without you. I have made it, but it has been long and tough. I cannot say enough how much I miss you and miss our stupid conversations. I have slowly been doing the 'firsts.' But now that they are over with I know I can and will make it. You are watching over me with our Lord, and I thank you for that. I felt you yesterday whisper in my ear to do something that saved me and the family a lot of heartbreak and money. I know it was you and even though I keep waiting for our songs to come on the radio as a sign that you are near, I know you are waiting for me. When it is my time for the Lord to call me home, I will be running to you as fast as I can. I am keeping up with Sophia, Stephanie, Scott, and Jack. I know you are too. I love you! I miss you!

Deafening Silence

One month ago I received a phone call that would change my life forever. I rushed, I flew, I did not want to wait. I could not wait to see you. I imagined you yelling at me when I walked through the door because I waited too long. But when I arrived you looked at me and said, "You didn't have to come in for this." I just laughed and said, "Yes, I did. You yelled at me for not coming in the last time!" I talked to you all night long. You were sleeping through most of my babbling, but I didn't want to stop. I knew when the time came the silence on your end would be deafening and it is. That is the hardest part, the silence.

Hello darkness, my old friend I've come to talk with you again Because a vision softly creeping Left its seeds while I was sleeping And the vision that was planted in my brain Still remains Within the sound of silence In restless dreams I walked alone Narrow streets of cobblestone 'Neath the halo of a street lamp I turned my collar to the cold and damp When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light That split the night And touched the sound of silence ~Simon and Garfunkel

I love you! I miss you!

Choices

Today is election day. It is the day we choose to vote, have a say, and be passionate about where we are hopefully going in our country. It represents not only who we are but, what we want. I want to live in a retirement community, play old people bingo, shuffleboard, travel, go to the Grand Canyon, and laugh until I cry. Those were some of the things we were hoping to do. But somewhere in the mix of life, love and kids, it got pushed aside. I cannot play 'shoulda, woulda, coulda' it does not help. It does not change the choices that were made, the missed opportunities, or the fact that you are gone. Everyone has life choices to make, I pray everyday that I am making the right ones, for those that I love. I pray they know I love them, I pray I will click my camera at the right time, I pray that the passion I feel for my job keeps the money coming in so I will not have to give it up and work in a building, I pray I do not end up needing a crutch to get through the day, I pray my kids will only need a little bit of therapy when they are adults, I pray that I learn to cope with your loss, I pray. My choice, I pray. I wish you still had a choice. I love you! I miss you!

Today

I have been trying to think of what to say today...all day. It was not a good day. As soon as I think I am getting a handle on things I take two steps back. It's weird, I have these epiphanies, and I feel better for awhile. But then, I seem to lose the punch of the epiphany. If I could figure out how to hold on to the enlightenment and keep it within me, I would do better. I have been told today that I am pushing people away. I don't mean to, I just don't want people to try and fix me. This is not fixable. I have to do this on my own. If I allow anyone to become what you were to me then I am not dealing with your loss, just substituting it with someone else. Plus, I cannot afford for anyone to become my emotional sounding board, it hurts too much. I have tried to explain this before, but it did not work.

Change

I am slowly changing my focus. You have been my friendship center, anchor, for so long that it has been a little surreal learning how to change. I am not good with change (unless it is a move). Just as our children changed our focus and opened our eyes to a whole new world beyond ourselves, I am changing and trying to branch out. I have not made any friends here and it is time I start to try. I didn't need to before, I had you. It is time I grow roots in Myrtle Beach, and not in the sand where the earth is forever changing, shifting, eroding, and unstable but on solid ground. My kids need for me to grow roots here. Jaynee and Zayne are always talking about when they get older they are moving back to Virginia, their stability. It is my theory that because my roots have been back in Virginia and not replanted to here that they are constantly on the sand with me. The change is going to be a slow and hard process. I don't make friends easily. I make acquaintances, not friends. So, I am jumping off the sand and onto the dirt. It is time to plant my roots deep and wait for the spring so I can grow. You are part of those roots, your smile and joy will be reflected in the blossoms, for you are apart of my heart, my trunk but just like a tree from those blossoms comes new growth. I will rely on your flower of life to help me grow, help my children grow. Notice, I said when spring comes? I am giving myself the winter to hibernate. Hahaha! I love you, I miss you.

Fancy

One night 17 years ago we took a road trip. Not far, just to Lynchburg, and it wasn't why we went or what we did (which was nothing) that made it memorable. It was the in between that keeps it in my memory. I was pregnant with Jaynee and I was tired of being couped up in the house with Jason at work. We hoped in the car and just started driving. The radio got old and the only CD I had was "Reba" and 'Fancy' was our favorite. You would start to fall asleep and I would put 'Fancy' on and you would sit straight up and we would sing it as loud as we could....completely off key of course. You would lay back down and start to fall asleep on me. I should probably say that it was about 4 am when we got back. To this day, only God knows why I drove towards Lynchburg, but it was fun with you. We always wanted to take more road trips together, it was part of our retirement plan. I love you, I miss you!

I will survive

Every time I get into the car a song comes on that reminds me of you. But today it was the TV that caught me off guard. 'I Will Survive' came on and I DID NOT CRY!! Do you hear me Jenny!! I did not cry! I just smiled and sang along. Granted it helped that it was 'Raising Hope' and it was hilarious as always, but still. I hope this is my turning point to acceptance. I know I will have my moments that I will be overwhelmed with emotions; however, with everyday, I grow stronger and you grow stronger within me. I have stopped asking for signs from you, but instead I am [finally] talking to God again. I have not dreamed of you. I don't think I am ready yet and my mind knows that. Just like our daily conversations, I am rambling, so I will end this entry with the words to our all time favorite, call each other when its on, girl power anthem...I WIll SURVIVE....

At first, I was afraid, I was petrified Kept thinking, I could never live without you by my side But then I spent so many nights thinking, how you did me wrong And I grew strong and I learned how to get along And so you're back from outer space I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face I should have changed that stupid lock I should have made you leave your key If I'd known for just one second you'd be back to bother me Go on now, go, walk out the door, just turn around now 'Cause you're not welcome anymore Weren't you the one, who tried to hurt me with goodbye? Did you think I'd crumble? Did you think I'd lay down and die? Oh, no, not I, I will survive Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive I've got all my life to live, I've got all my love to give And I'll survive, I will survive, hey, hey It took all the strength I had not to fall apart Kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart And I spent, oh, so many nights just feeling sorry for myself I used to cry but now I hold my head up high And you see me, somebody new I'm not that chained up little person still in love with you And so you felt like dropping in and just expect me to be free But now I'm saving all my loving for someone who's loving me Go on now, go, walk out the door, just turn around now 'Cause you're not welcome anymore Weren't you the one, who tried to break me with goodbye Did you think I'd crumble? Did you think I'd lay down and die? Oh, no, not I, I will survive Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive I've got all my life to live, I've got all my love to give And I'll survive, I will survive, oh Go on now, go, walk out the door, just turn around now 'Cause you're not welcome anymore Weren't you the one, who tried to break me with goodbye Did you think I'd crumble? Did you think I'd lay down and die? Oh, no, not I, I will survive Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive I've got all my life to live, I've got all my love to give And I'll survive, I will survive, I will survive GLORIA GAYNOR - I WILL SURVIVE LYRICS

I love you, I miss you!

Nobody Knows it But Me

Little bit of a hard day...I was driving down the road going to the bank and started to dial you. Picked up my phone and looked at the picture of Maggie and Sophia...yea, it was hard. This song came to my head. It sums me up pretty good these days. I love you, I miss you.

"I pretend that I'm glad you went away These four walls close in more every day And I'm dyin' inside And nobody knows it but me Like a clown I put on a show The pain is real, even if nobody knows And I'm cryin' inside And nobody knows it but me Why didn't I say The things I needed to say How could I let my angel get away Now my world is just a tumblin' down I can see it so clearly But you're nowhere around The nights are lonely, the days are so sad and I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had And I'm missin' you And nobody knows it but me (Music, hmm...noone knows) I carry a smile When i'm broken in two And i'm nobody Without someone like you I'm tremblin' inside And nobody knows it but me I Lie awake It's a quarter past 3 I'm screamin at night If i thought you'd hear me Yeah, my heart is calling you And nobody knows it but me How blue can I get, you could ask my heart Just like a jigsaw puzzle it's been torn all apart A million words couldn't say Just how I feel A million years from now you know I'll be lovin' you still The nights are lonely, the days are so sad and I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had And I'm missing you And nobody knows it but me (nobody) Tomorrow morning I'mma hit the dusty rod gonna find you wherever, Ever you might go And i'm gonna let go of my heart And hope you come back today Nights are lonely, the days are so sad (No one knows) And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had (Nobody knows) And I'm missing you and nobody knows it but me The nights are lonely, the days are so sad and And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had And I'm missing you and nobody knows it but me"

I know it is a love song....but I relate to it almost the same.

Dear Jenn

Dear Jenn, The weekend is here and tomorrow marks a week since we said our final goodbye to you. It has been a long week. I pulled a you most of the week and just laid on the couch. No editing, no cleaning, no shower, nothing; until tonight when I figured I had better clean up and get going since Jason will be home tomorrow. I work at JCP tomorrow. Zayne and Maggie have been making me watch 'Duck Dynasty' all night. It is finally on repeat for the night (and the girls are asleep) so I think I can change it but I don't feel like getting up from the computer to change it. I checked on Sophie and Scott a couple of times. I think they are still really busy because I only heard back from them once. You know how Scott is about calling me back. I think this winter will be the hardest without you. I am going to have to take it one day at a time. But if this past week is any indication on how I am going to handle it....I think I will be hibernating until April. It is time I get real on here. I think I have been sugar coating my feelings so no one worries about me, but what I really need to do is let it all out. The only person I will be sensitive to is Sophie. I would hate for her to one day read this and not understand. Are you keeping an eye on everyone? I wonder if you can see us all or just one person? I want to believe it is all of us, but you are not God so it maybe just the one. I sure would love a sign that you are there. I miss you. I miss our stupid talks and your guidance. I don't know if I ever told you how much I relied on you and your advice, but I did. You were such a good mom. I am so glad I did tell you that all the time. I have decided to get a new tattoo. Not sure where I will put it. I would love to put it somewhere I can see it all the time but then that blows my soccer mom image...lol!! However, I have not decided what to get. We have so many memories. Priscilla's shoe, tulips, Jenny I, stupid sayings, and list goes on and on. Picking one to remind me of you is hard. I sure wish we would have decided on our matching ones and gotten them before you left. Well, as usual it is almost 1am and I am still up. My sleep schedule is all messed up...who am I kidding. Its normal. Ok, sweetie, punkin, honey....I love you, miss you and watch over us all. Love, Sascha

In a Funk

I am waiting. For what, I do not know. I am just waiting. I am in a nasty funk. One that normally you would pull me out of. And damn the more people ask and say "How are you? So sorry to hear of your loss" the more I hate it. Yet, it is nice to have people recognize you are gone. I don't know if I will ever get use to this. I am tired of crying in private. I don't want my kids to know I am still crying. It will be worse when Jason comes home tomorrow. He cannot handle it so I will have to put all my emotions in the back of my head and act. Maybe that will do me some good, to act like everything is normal. Maybe I will start to believe it. I was going through pictures the other night and started laughing because everywhere I went, there you were. Lowes and St. Thomas (note the name of the island) were just two recent that I took pictures of your name. I hope I can still see you everywhere I go. I will still take the pictures and upload them to here. I will see it as a sign that you are thinking of me too. I miss you.

Forever

I write. I erase. I have lost count how many times I have started over today. Thinking about what to write on this blog has helped me already. I used to have conversations in my head of things to tell Jenn. Now, I can have conversations in my head over what to say on this. Latest conversation, the word "Forever." It hit me last night, the magnitude of this word. "Forever" has always been an important word in my life, especially for avoidance of bad situations. The most influential time "forever" was used in my childhood, I was 10(I think)and watching "Dallas" with my mom. It was the episode in which Sue Ellen finally confronted herself about her alcoholism. I remember thinking "Wow! To become that bad, that you could never have another drink again, forever, the rest of your life. I never want to have to say "no" forever, to anything." Because it was so profound and ingrained in my memory, I chose to watch myself when it came to drinking. That is only one example of "forever" but to relate "forever" to someone I talked to everyday came crashing down on me.

7 Stages of Grieving

When you loose someone you love there are 7 stages of grief you will go through...so they say. I believe there are stages but I don't think you "have" to go through all of them to reach the final stage. 1.) Shock and Denial~ I was in a little bit of shock, but since I saw Jenn's health decline over the past two years it was not a shock. If that makes since. 2.) Pain and Guilt~ Obviously, this is a given. Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda. 3.) Anger and Bargaining~ I believe I am dealing with this now. I am angry...at Jenn, and that is all I will say. 4.) "Depression", Reflection, Loneliness~ this is the stage I dread the most. If I refuse this stage it will only prolong my grief and then I will go back into Denial, which I think is a waste of energy. So I will embrace the Reflection, surround myself with loved ones, and stay busy. I am not one to wallow. 5.)The Upward Turn~ learning to adjust. I am so thankful that I don't live in Roanoke and that Jenn and I were "phone" friends the last several years. I miss my phone ringing but I think adjusting to it not ringing will be the easiest stage. 6.) Reconstruction and Working Through~ I believe this stage would be more for loosing a spouse and not a best friend. But I will have to learn to play 'devil's advocate' in my brain to work through problems I used to call her to help me solve. 7.) Acceptance and Hope......one day I will be here and feel only joy and love that I had Jenn in my life for the small amount of time she was on Earth. I will be able to shower her daughter in memories of her, the Jenny I grew to love and understand over the years. With all this said, I am dealing. But I will take a few days to get over the anger since that is where I am at and I don't want it to be reflected in my writing about a beautiful person, I love and miss.

Firefly Lane

"That was the thing about best friends. Like sisters and mothers, they could piss you off and make you cry and break your heart, but in the end, when the chips were down, they were there, making you laugh even in your darkest hours." ~Firefly Lane It was no secret, we had our fights. Jenn drove me nuts. She would turn to me for advice, I would give it. She would ignore it. But every now and then she would listen. And it kept me going with hope and kept me giving the advice. We would go months, and once almost a year without talking. But when I needed her, she was there. She was always there. I forgot she loved nonjudgmental and unconditionally. If you ticked her off, you could give her a few days and then call and she would always answer. Only once, in our 20+ years of friendship, did she not answer the phone. It was 2 years ago. Her chips were down and I could not be there for her. I am so thankful I was there this time in her darkest hours. I know she is dancing and kissing and laughing. It came through in a picture I took yesterday of some of her closest friends. It was not planned, I did not see it until I took it. The angle, the light, she was there.

Goodbye, Hello

How do I say goodbye to what we had? The good times that made us laugh Outweigh the bad. I thought we'd get to see forever But forever's gone away It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday. I don't know where this road Is going to lead All I know is where we've been And what we've been through. If we get to see tomorrow I hope it's worth all the wait It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday. And I'll take with me the memories To be my sunshine after the rain It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday. And I'll take with me the memories To be my sunshine after the rain It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday. Songwriters: PERREN, FREDDIE/YARIAN, CHRISTINE Yes, it is cliche'. But it really is the best song in the world to explain what one goes through when you loose another. I say goodbye to my Jenny, but I will get to say Hello to her when the time comes.

Home Alone Reenacted

Jenn: "What are you doing?" Sascha: "Editing, what am I always doing? hahaha!" This was our typical start to every conversation, no matter what time of day is was. I will not have this conversation again with her, except in my mind. I have to edit. It allows me to empty my mind and not think. She would be really mad if I stopped. I will leave again soon to go to her funeral. I don't think it will be as hard as saying goodbye to her at the hospital. But, I have never gone through this. I am too young. She was too young. I began this with our first conversation but I will tell my favorite story now. It defines who we were. Me, normally the voice of reason and her, the one always in everything for the fun. Jenn moved in with me when my first roommate moved back home. There were three of us, Jenn, Christi and me. Since, we were the first of all our friends to get an apartment out of high school, it is easy to say it was the 'party house' There were nights we had to turn off the lights and hide in the dark watching TV just so nobody would want to stop and hang out. It was a second story apartment in a converted house located in the Raleigh Court/Grandin Rd. area. It was the first big snow of the season and everyone was there with their sleds. Someone decided we needed to reenact the 'Home Alone' scene of sledding down the stairs. It was a short set of stairs and to insure we would not break the door we opened it where there was a cement landing with a wrought iron railing and when you turned to the left a set of cement stairs and they ended at the driveway. The guys started with no luck, they were too heavy to go down. We were laughing at the site of these huge football player type boys trying to be little kids sledding inside. Then the girls took over. Our friend Christina decided she was going down. She jumped on, we knew she would make it down. She was tiny, light weight. Jenn, who started to notice how loud we were, looked at me and said, "Sascha, do something." She knew I was 'Mom' to everyone. She was waiting for mom to drop the hammer and stop the shenanigans. But I was intrigued to whether or not Christina would make it. I looked at my watched, and said, 'We're fine, it's only 9:45' She looked at me with big eyes and about died that I wasn't stopping it. Needless to say, Christina flew down the steps out the door and under the wrought iron railing. Her chest smashed into the railing with her feet and legs under the railing with the sled just dangling. I stopped it. And Jenn yelled, "Hey, I want to do it now!" "Nooo way, one broken tailbone a night is enough" I answered. Mom was back. She never let me forget the few minutes I lacked in the voice of reason department. She depended on my voice of reason, just like I depended on her voice of loosen up!

The beginning

In the beginning...it is the start of the bible and it is the start of my blog about my friendship with my best friend, Jennifer Thomas. I am not a writer. I am sure there will be grammatical errors, but it is from my memories and my heart. Jenn was dating my best guy friend in high school. We did not like each other. I thought she was a controlling girlfriend, she thought I was a threat. I sat down next to her at a party one night after a football game and told her I was friends with Ryan and she was just going to have to deal. She laughed and said she appreciated my honesty and 'tell it like it is attitude'. She then met my boyfriend (who is now my husband) and we became friends...fast. I lost her yesterday. She went to live with all the other angels in heaven. No one may ever read this blog (partly because it will be sad at times) but I hope to tell funny stories of us as time goes on. The world needs to know who I knew. I need to tell it. We had a ritual of 'Giggle of the Day'. There will be days I write about her and there will be days I write to her. This is my grief therapy. Read it or not, I will write it.