30 days

It has been a long month without you. I have made it, but it has been long and tough. I cannot say enough how much I miss you and miss our stupid conversations. I have slowly been doing the 'firsts.' But now that they are over with I know I can and will make it. You are watching over me with our Lord, and I thank you for that. I felt you yesterday whisper in my ear to do something that saved me and the family a lot of heartbreak and money. I know it was you and even though I keep waiting for our songs to come on the radio as a sign that you are near, I know you are waiting for me. When it is my time for the Lord to call me home, I will be running to you as fast as I can. I am keeping up with Sophia, Stephanie, Scott, and Jack. I know you are too. I love you! I miss you!

Deafening Silence

One month ago I received a phone call that would change my life forever. I rushed, I flew, I did not want to wait. I could not wait to see you. I imagined you yelling at me when I walked through the door because I waited too long. But when I arrived you looked at me and said, "You didn't have to come in for this." I just laughed and said, "Yes, I did. You yelled at me for not coming in the last time!" I talked to you all night long. You were sleeping through most of my babbling, but I didn't want to stop. I knew when the time came the silence on your end would be deafening and it is. That is the hardest part, the silence.

Hello darkness, my old friend I've come to talk with you again Because a vision softly creeping Left its seeds while I was sleeping And the vision that was planted in my brain Still remains Within the sound of silence In restless dreams I walked alone Narrow streets of cobblestone 'Neath the halo of a street lamp I turned my collar to the cold and damp When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light That split the night And touched the sound of silence ~Simon and Garfunkel

I love you! I miss you!

Choices

Today is election day. It is the day we choose to vote, have a say, and be passionate about where we are hopefully going in our country. It represents not only who we are but, what we want. I want to live in a retirement community, play old people bingo, shuffleboard, travel, go to the Grand Canyon, and laugh until I cry. Those were some of the things we were hoping to do. But somewhere in the mix of life, love and kids, it got pushed aside. I cannot play 'shoulda, woulda, coulda' it does not help. It does not change the choices that were made, the missed opportunities, or the fact that you are gone. Everyone has life choices to make, I pray everyday that I am making the right ones, for those that I love. I pray they know I love them, I pray I will click my camera at the right time, I pray that the passion I feel for my job keeps the money coming in so I will not have to give it up and work in a building, I pray I do not end up needing a crutch to get through the day, I pray my kids will only need a little bit of therapy when they are adults, I pray that I learn to cope with your loss, I pray. My choice, I pray. I wish you still had a choice. I love you! I miss you!

Today

I have been trying to think of what to say today...all day. It was not a good day. As soon as I think I am getting a handle on things I take two steps back. It's weird, I have these epiphanies, and I feel better for awhile. But then, I seem to lose the punch of the epiphany. If I could figure out how to hold on to the enlightenment and keep it within me, I would do better. I have been told today that I am pushing people away. I don't mean to, I just don't want people to try and fix me. This is not fixable. I have to do this on my own. If I allow anyone to become what you were to me then I am not dealing with your loss, just substituting it with someone else. Plus, I cannot afford for anyone to become my emotional sounding board, it hurts too much. I have tried to explain this before, but it did not work.

Change

I am slowly changing my focus. You have been my friendship center, anchor, for so long that it has been a little surreal learning how to change. I am not good with change (unless it is a move). Just as our children changed our focus and opened our eyes to a whole new world beyond ourselves, I am changing and trying to branch out. I have not made any friends here and it is time I start to try. I didn't need to before, I had you. It is time I grow roots in Myrtle Beach, and not in the sand where the earth is forever changing, shifting, eroding, and unstable but on solid ground. My kids need for me to grow roots here. Jaynee and Zayne are always talking about when they get older they are moving back to Virginia, their stability. It is my theory that because my roots have been back in Virginia and not replanted to here that they are constantly on the sand with me. The change is going to be a slow and hard process. I don't make friends easily. I make acquaintances, not friends. So, I am jumping off the sand and onto the dirt. It is time to plant my roots deep and wait for the spring so I can grow. You are part of those roots, your smile and joy will be reflected in the blossoms, for you are apart of my heart, my trunk but just like a tree from those blossoms comes new growth. I will rely on your flower of life to help me grow, help my children grow. Notice, I said when spring comes? I am giving myself the winter to hibernate. Hahaha! I love you, I miss you.