Birthday

Empty, shallow, hole in the heart, pieces missing....however you want to describe it, that is how I feel. It is my birthday, but yet, somehow it feels like any other day. Oh sure, I am getting the usual 'Happy Birthday's' from people on Facebook, my sister and nieces called and sang to me. But from you...nothing. I will not get the usual Happy Birthday scream into the phone, phone call. It is my first in 20 years. I know I have my lifetime yet to go without your phone call but as they say, the first is the worst. And it is. I got through all the Holidays, but that just felt like you were there but with your family. This is completely different. Having my phone more silent than ever, it is heart wrenching. I can't seem to control the tears. I am clinging to memories, fractions of memories. Every now and then, one will come to me or I will be talking to myself and I hear what you would say, "Oh good God." I have had only one dream of you. Ironically, it was after a night of drinking Moonshine...I know you are laughing at that one. Wish I could hear your laugh. I wish you would visit more in my dreams just so we could talk....I miss you! I love you!