Toasts

My first wedding of the season was Saturday. It was a love/hate relationship experience. While I loved my bride and groom, the toasts are now bittersweet for me. I dread them coming, the "your my best friend" and "I am so happy for you both" and the forever, "you are like my sister, I love you and wish you all the best" It is devastating. Knowing, I will never get to give that toast to you on your wedding day. I will never get to see you in a beautiful white lace dress with a big bow on your butt. Or with the man of your dreams, who wanted to do nothing but make you feel loved, safe, and cherished. I feel my anger seething back into me. The sorrow will never leave but my anger towards you, towards Scott, it comes slithering in like a snake into my blood. I have to cry, I have to put into perspective that you are gone. My anger will not bring you back, it will not change the future. I will not get to see you or call you again. I will have to wait. Wait until the good Lord brings me home. I will have to wait to run to you. Wait. I will have to wait to give my toast for you to Sophie on her wedding day,and even then it will be the hardest thing I will ever do (besides saying goodbye to you). I just pray, my connection to her stays through the years. I pray, she gets to grow up with Maggie and "Thelma and Louise, part deux" is forever carried on. I love you, I miss you.....I am waiting, cheers....

Bunny Hop

Happy Easter, my love! Sure could have used your crafty mind today to keep the kids creative and making memories. Renee came for dinner tonight, we had a good time. She is so sweet and so wanting to give her kids all she can. It's funny when Dani came down and now Renee I feel you. They both had mannerisms that reminded me of you. It was a good day. I have your pictures here on my desk, you are always on my mind and always in my heart but I wish all the time you were on my phone. I miss you! I love you!!

Spring Forward......

Ah! The beginning of Daylight Savings! My favorite thing in the world....sort of. It stays lighter, later; and it means warm, hot days are coming. With warm, hot days comes lots and lots of visitors!!! Dani came down to see me. I love her. She is so much fun and I can see a little of you in her. Feels good. We talked a little about you, not much because that was the promise that we made each other when we started to talk after your funeral. It is nice that I can talk about you and know that the person I am talking to shares the pain with me but we don't have to talk, we just know how the other is feeling. We rang in the Spring Forward together by doing what we girls always do best.....laugh our asses off! Renee and the kids will be here soon as well for spring break. So as we spring forward our clocks for longer, hotter days (thank goodness) I spring forward with my season and will start to be super busy (another thank goodness) but I am not sure how to spring forward with life without you, seems unnatural. I was hoping the new house without any memories of you would make it a little easier. No luck, you just follow me everywhere. Our memories are forever with me. I love you! I miss you!

House Hunters

The Hunt is over, the obsession is done. We closed on our house today, almost 4 months to the day I had to say good-bye to you. You would be proud. All the times you had to talk me off the ledge of not buying a house because Jason wanted one thing and I wanted another. I did not give in and ironically, neither did Jason. We found a house we both liked and could envision us living in forever. Oh, how I wish you were here to see it and celebrate with me. To laugh and cry and scream and jump and laugh again, that would have made today more perfect than what it was. I am so glad it is done. I miss you, I love you!

Valentine's Day

Another freaking holiday. This was our day, we both loved to complain about Valentine's Day. It was our least favorite holiday. I miss you. My roller coaster of life is on a down swing. So much is happening and all I want to do is talk to you, to hear your voice. I want you to tell me everything will be fine sweetie.

I thought time was suppose to help heal the broken heart I feel. At times it is just too much to bare. To see your face, to hear your voice, that is what I wish I could dream of. In my sleep, I wait. Why don't you come to me? Why can't I see you? You are on my mind, all the time. You are always with me. Is this the reason? For I don't see you in my dreams when my eyes are shut. Is it because I see you all over the place? I know I will have to wait my lifetime to see you again..... But, I love you, I miss you

Happy Valentine's Day, I miss you more today than yesterday or the day before that or the day before that.

Birthday

Empty, shallow, hole in the heart, pieces missing....however you want to describe it, that is how I feel. It is my birthday, but yet, somehow it feels like any other day. Oh sure, I am getting the usual 'Happy Birthday's' from people on Facebook, my sister and nieces called and sang to me. But from you...nothing. I will not get the usual Happy Birthday scream into the phone, phone call. It is my first in 20 years. I know I have my lifetime yet to go without your phone call but as they say, the first is the worst. And it is. I got through all the Holidays, but that just felt like you were there but with your family. This is completely different. Having my phone more silent than ever, it is heart wrenching. I can't seem to control the tears. I am clinging to memories, fractions of memories. Every now and then, one will come to me or I will be talking to myself and I hear what you would say, "Oh good God." I have had only one dream of you. Ironically, it was after a night of drinking Moonshine...I know you are laughing at that one. Wish I could hear your laugh. I wish you would visit more in my dreams just so we could talk....I miss you! I love you!

Resolutions

New Year's Resolution 2013: I had to give this some thought. I didn't want to do the usual lose weight, get healthy, stay on top of the laundry, etc. I wanted to promise myself something meaningful and the only regret that came to mind (I hate shoulda, woulda, coulda's) was not spending the time that was given to me last August with Jenn Thomas when she was down here visiting with her family. I was so wrapped up in work and editing that I did not take the time to really spend with her. Instead, she happily took Maggie with her, Scott Gibby Gibson, and Sophie everywhere with them. She knew I was busy, but she was so happy for me being busy so she smiled and said it was ok, get my work done, we will have time. I knew she was sick, I knew she was struggling with her little body giving out. I do not want to make that mistake again with anyone I love. So, my 2013 New Year's Resolution is this.....if I am given the time to spend with someone, who took the time to come see me, they will be my priority. They will be my focus, even if it is for just an hour or two. And not stress out about all the other things I have to do or finish. I realize God has given me a gift, a gift I am so thankful for, but he has also given me the gift of the best family, friends, and clients and I will not take them for granted or the time he has given me to spend with them. I love you! I miss you!!